Bridge Too Far (that will be Tower Bridge)
| Monday 19 April, 2004 |
'The silver stream from which the history of our city can be observed.'
Mind you, he was passing this information on to a young Queen Elizabeth at the time and she was probably more interested in what time tea could be taken at Claridges rather than listening to some balding old goat banging on about the retching river.
The tale of London can be told through its bridges, be they falling down, bombed or just plain wobbly.
Thirteen bridges, one sun drenched afternoon and only two Sainsburys cheapo Cheese and Onion Rolls to keep me going. It's enough to make you want to jump off one of them. That's bridges, not cheese and onion...
Battersea Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The old wooden bridge was unpopular with river traffic which kept on colliding with the narrow spans. Ship captains being pissed out of their head on Mother's Ruin probably didn't help either.
Used by: Dogs and local females. Not a mutually exclusive category.
(click on thumbs to see large image)
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Albert Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The limitations of a suspension structure led to a five ton weight limit being imposed on the bridge back in 1884. That's why you never see Vanessa Feltz trying to cross it.
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: The evening fairy lights and the famous 'ice cream' colours makes the Albert Bridge popular within film scenes; Sliding Doors, Love Actually and any other crap chick flick wanting to add an 'ahh, water, bridge, lovely lights' moment to spice up a shit film.
Used by: Film extras.
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Chelsea Bridge
Bridging the Gap: Extortionate prices, shaky foundations, pretty to look at but ultimately going nowhere - anyone recognise the Chelsea FC comparisons?
Used by: Sloanes, Sex Pistols and dead princesses.
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Grosvenor Railway Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The current bridge was re-built between 1963-67 due to the demands of increased commuter traffic into Victoria Station.
Used by: Choo choos.
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Vauxhall Bridge
Bridging the Gap: Strong tidal pressure around this stretch of the Thames led to erosion, with a new bridge being built in 1906.
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: As the magnificent Time Team demonstrated recently, the shores around Vauxhall Bridge are a significant area of archaeological interest - Roman coins, Medieval timber, 20th Century torsos - all can be found if you take your bucket and spade down to the riverbank on a pleasant Sunday afternoon.
Used by: Spooks, Morrissey.
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Lambeth Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The Act of Parliament giving the green light for the Bridge was passed in 1809. Insufficient funds to complete the project led to the delay. Some things never change down at Lambeth Town Hall...
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: The colour scheme of red was chosen to represent the red benches of the nearby House of Lords. Likewise the green of Westminster Bridge signifies the House of Commons. What does this tell us then about the pink of Albert Bridge?
Used by: People doing The Walk, plus Bishops seeking sinful behaviour north of the river.
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Westminster Bridge
Bridging the Gap: With the first bridge being deemed structurally unsafe in 1854, work on a new structure commenced.
Used by: SHAME Shirley Porter, picture postcard hunting tourists.
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Hungerford Bridge
Bridging the Gap: £50m was spent in 2000 to upgrade the bridge and re-open to the public after years of service as a railway bridge only.
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: Hungerford Bridge is named after a long lost market on the north bank, and not a crazed lone gunman.
Used by: Stop the War campaigners, a brown nosing Jeremy Clarkson. Shame the silly petrol head can't drive over it.
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Waterloo Bridge
Bridging the Gap: Closed in 1923 after it became unsafe, the first of the new foundations were laid in 1939. With most of the male population engaged in war, Waterloo Bridge was mainly built by female labour. That's probably why it's slightly wonky then.
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: If you can't blag a cheeky snog on Waterloo Bridge as sun sets over the City on a Friday night, you're either pug ugly or Ann Widecombe. Or even both.
Used by: Ray Davies.
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Cannon Street Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The bridge has since been re-built twice - just after the First World War and then in 1981 by dear old British Rail.
Used by: Yet more choo choos.
Blackfriars Bridge
Bridging the Gap: Queen Victoria officially opened the current bridge in 1869.
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: Originally named Pitt Bridge in honour of the former Tory Prime Minister, the name was quickly changed after The Younger soon became public enemy number one. And you wonder why there's no Thatcher Bridge in London. Plenty would like to see the old witch hanging from one though.
Used by: Fuckspud journos on their way to work at Daily Express, pondering what totally obscure and meaningless front page they can come up with today.
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Millennium Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The highly scientific solution to stop the wobbles was to limit the number of people using it at any one time.
Used by: Funky 21st Century 'lifestyle' types who think nothing of forking out three quid for a lukewarm latte and then poncing across the metallic structure juggling their PDAs, iPods and uPricks whilst trying to read the crappy Consume section in Time Out at the same time. Plus people with a good sense of balance.
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Southwark Bridge
Bridging the Gap: The dismantling of the old structure took eight long years, finally being finished in 1921 after the interruption of war.
Used by: Archbishops.
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London Bridge
Bridging the Gap: A variety of timber and stone incarnations have been erected over the years. Revenue was raised by renting out shop space. John Rennie's design was built in 1831. This lasted 140 years until the narrow design led to Queen Elizabeth opening the current structure in 1967.
onionbagblog Brucie Bonus Point of Interest: London Bridge is Falling Down dates back to the Viking raids in the 11th Century when our Nordic friends firebombed the old wooden structure.
Used by: City boys, cabbies and confused tourists wondering when the bridge will next lift.
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London Bridge is falling down. Just like my legs after 14.9 miles of South Bank cycling. Ya Boo Sucks and wave my willy in the air at Tower Bridge. Shame David Blaine isn't still hanging from there.
Various bridges
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